The Inevitability of Forever
by AnkoStone
Summary: Lukas goes to visit his ex and best friend Mathias, only to find him lying on the floor. Fear strikes him, but when Mathias wakes, he wants nothing to do with the Norwegian. However, Mathias holds within him a secret that forces him to act this way


57\. "I'm sorry if I'm whining."

Lukas stared in disbelief as he watched the scene unfold. He had been out with Emil, both of them enjoying Copenhagen's fresh air. Of course, their airs were all pretty similar, cool and refreshing, but something about the Danish sky was different to the two. It was easier to breath, easier to enjoy.

But now the air felt too tight, as if he couldn't get enough. Emil had gone back to the hotel, while Lukas insisted on visiting their Danish friend. They hadn't come to Denmark for him, but it was always a good excuse for the Norwegian to see the outgoing man, with his unending smile, and wondrous personality that could both confuse and stupefy the blonde.

But now there was no smile, no laughter. Lukas watched in horror as he saw what laid at his feet. Or more so, who laid at his feet.

"Mathias!" A stunned cry rang out, the loudest Lukas could ever recall being. He fell to his knees at Mathias's side, staring at him in stunned silence as he searched for a sign of any sort of life within the man. His chest rose and fell, that was a good sign, but that didn't stop the thumping in Lukas's raging heart. Fear still boiled in his blood, and shook his entire being as he searched the other's body for a reason why he had fallen, why he wasn't waking.

"Mathias, get up!" Lukas yelled, moving towards the other's face, holding it in his hands tenderly, as he had often held those cheeks when they were blooming with color, and neither of them could keep their hands to themselves. Lukas felt guilty, for recalling such memories as he held his friend's face, as if it was some sort betrayal to think of his ex in such a way, when he was vulnerable.

Mathias's eyes rolled behind his lids, as if he might wake up, but nothing but light breaths fell from unparting lips. Lukas shook his head, as if this was a sign that he wouldn't be awoken.

"Matt, no, get up, get up!" Lukas yelled once more, please falling on deaf ears as he finally gained the senses to pull out his cellphone and call for professional help. He watched as his heavy chest rhythm grew slower, and panic swept through his already shaking hands. It took three tries for him to type three simple numbers, and when he was finally met with help, he was unable to form proper words.

"Sir, please, you need to slow down, what is the address?" A woman asked in a kind but urgent voice. Lukas felt his lungs collapsing, forgetting words. He could heard the Danish in his ear, but was unable to speak it.

"Please help him." Lukas cried out once more, the only thing he seemed to be able to repeat. However, even those words left him when he heard coughing coming from the fallen sman, a spewing of curses and gasps for breath that Lukas had never been so thankful to hear.

The phone fell from his hand, and his immediate response was to grab Mathias by the shoulders and pull him into a tight hug, which resulted in a motion sickness that Mathias could have lived without. His head began to pound with hammers.

"Shit, stop that Lukas." Mathias yelled, pushing him away. The Norwegian stared back with confused and scared eyes, filled with tears that he wouldn't let fall, in fear that they would only frighten Mathias, but he didn't seem scared, or confused. He seemed angry, as if he had been rudely awaken.

"God, how did you even get in my house?" He asked irritated. Lukas continued to stare, dumbfounded and hurt.

"You were lying on the fucking floor." Lukas said bitterly, unable to hold back his spiteful tongue. How could act like that? Lukas had been scared out of his mind!? And he had the nerve to question why he was in his house?

"Didn't see me complaining about it…" Mathias said, trying to stand up, but falling back down. He doubled over, and gripped his gut, trying to force down whatever was even in him.

"What's even with you, are you drunk?" Lukas accused. It wasn't an off base guess. He was passed out on the ground, for no obvious reason, trying not to vomit, and unable to hold himself on his own damned legs. But Lukas realized that wasn't the case when a flash crossed over Mathias's face, one of hurt. Mathias had been sober for months now, ever since Lukas had asked him to quit drinking back when they were dating. He had even kept up his sobriety when they had broken up. Lukas had always admired that in Mathias, he had always felt that he had somehow managed to change him, and that it had been worth it. And he felt awful for accusing him of falling back into that dark place.

"Wait, I'm sor-"

"What are you even doing here?" Mathias asked, when the moment of hurt had passed along with his sudden nausea. He rose to his feet, and while on his knees, Lukas finally realized how intimidating the Dane could be, how much control he had, how even in sickness, he had the ability to bear apart cities and people. Lukas rose to his feet, no longer desiring to feel so small. He was strong too, after all.

"I'm not quite sure, seeing as my company isn't wanted." Lukas hissed. He only came to Mathias's shoulder, but he was still intimidating in himself. There had been times when Mathias knew better than to cross the Norwegian's path, but now was not one of them.

"You're right, it isn't." He said, and the words tasted like poison in his mouth, and Mathias had to resist the urge not to throw up every feeling he had in him. Fear and love and desire and pain all mixed in with the curse of having to hide it all. Mathias wondered if that was the worst of this.

Lukas was stunned into silence once more. His company had never been unwanted by Mathias. They were so close. Even after breaking up, even after fights, they were always still with each other, they always still wanted to be close. Even Lukas, who his infliction for contact, always made an exception for Mathias's hands that were calloused but still loving. Anger boiled within the smaller man, and had he had no sense he would have slapped Mathias right then and there. But he couldn't. He still couldn't deny that Mathias was looking awful. He had lost weight, his cheeks were sullen, his rosy cheeks stained now with a permanent sickly paleness. He looked like a dying man. And if only Lukas could have known.

"You're a menace, Køhler." Lukas said. To think he had been so worried, to think he had almost cried for him. The Norwegian felt tricked, like he had been forced to care for a man who so obviously didn't care back. Perhaps the breakup was finally settling down on Mathias? Lukas had always assumed they would stay best friends, and hoped that one day, they could maybe get back together. He had never been given reason as to why Mathias wanted to break, only that he wanted to stay friends. But now it seemed the Danish man wanted nothing to do with his ex, and that was breaking Lukas's heart. Which now caused him to grow cold.

Another wave of hurt flashed through blue eyes, but Lukas was unphased this time, couldn't be bothered by the way Mathias looked away shamefully, his words simply ringing in his mind, blocking any sort of sympathy he could have held within him.

"Lukas, I'm…" Mathias started, sounding himself, finally, but whatever he was about to say was cut off by the sound of an ambulance outside of the door. Lukas looked back at the forgotten phone, and realized that they must have traced the address. The pale blond male now longed to escape, not wanting to face the shame of having cared so deeply about this man who didn't even care enough for himself. But the house was entered by two medics, who stared in confusion and concern at the two standing men.

"Which one of you is the one that was injured?" Neither of them could see a reason to take either of these men away. They looked fine, except for maybe both a little irritated. Lukas thought about being spiteful, and simply explaining that it was a mistake, but he couldn't stop the ache in his chest that longed for Mathias, that still cared for him.

"He is." Lukas said. Mathias opened his mouth to object, but was cut off by a loud groan from himself, and he was suddenly back on his knees, no longer able to fight the rising pain he had been trying to subdue for months now. The medics quickly rushed over to aid him, to get him onto the gurney and take him to the hospital. Lukas once more thought about sneaking away, disappearing out of Mathias's house and out of his life which Mathias seemed so insistent on, but he couldn't. He couldn't let go of the man he loved, so he followed, got into the ambulance with them, texted Emil where they were going, so his little brother wouldn't worry, and he stayed by the side of a man who Lukas was convinced no longer loved him.

When Mathias woke, when had he passed out?, he noticed he was no longer in the stuffy quarters of the ambulance. He was in an equally stuffy hospital room. He looked at the ivs in his arm, before trying to sit up. His head ached heavily, even despite the painkillers that had to be pumping through his system. He could no longer feel his body killing itself from the inside, which was a welcomed sensation. He would take headache over dying any day. Unfortunately, that was not a trade he could make, was it?

He sighed, before noticing another presence in the room. His mouth opened to speak, but a simply whine escaped him, similar in sound to Lukas's name.

But Lukas wasn't with him, and instead a nurse responded to his questioning sound. "Are you in pain?" He asked, and Mathias simply shook his head. He was, of course, but his whimper hadn't been out of an ache. He missed Lukas. He recalled the last thing he remembered saying to him, and he regretted it completely. God he missed Lukas, he wanted to confess everything. Maybe it was the pain relief, that was suddenly loosening his tongue, but he felt confessions falling from him, without Lukas even being there, but they were meant for his ears only. \

"I'm dying." Mathias sobbed to the nurse, who was blonde like Lukas, but didn't hold himself the right way. Lukas stood tall and purposeful. He was slim and strong, and everything this nurse could never be. But it was enough, to Mathias's drugged mind. "I'm dying," He cried again. "And I never wanted you to see me like this." His heart monitor began to interrupt him, which caused Mathias great annoyance. He grew louder to be heard.

"I love you, and I'm dying Lukas. I don't want to leave you. I don't want you to love me. I don't want you to have to lose me." He cried, and truly, he was crying. Tears staining his pale cheeks. He wanted to say more, wanted to cry out for Lukas to leave him. He wanted Lukas to hold him and tell him he would be okay, but he couldn't draw in a breath. He suddenly realized he wasn't breathing, and all around him, doctors were trying to save him. Was his heart beating? The corners of his vision grew black, but he couldn't die yet. He still had weeks. He was promised weeks. He couldn't die. He needed to see Emil, needed to tell him he was proud of the man he was becoming. He needed to see his brother, tell Berwald how much he loved him despite their fights. He needed to tell Jan how much he had valued their friendship, how much he cherished him.

And god, if there is a god, he needed to tell Lukas he loved him, despite what he had said. Despite his constant pushing away. He loved Lukas, more than he had ever loved his own life. He couldn't die, knowing Lukas thought he didn't love him.

Lukas peered down at his phone once more, Emil and Berwald blowing up his phone with confused concern. Emil was insisting on driving to the hospital, though Lukas warned him that it was late and the boy hated driving at night. Berwald was in Finland with his husband, but was also claiming that he was going to drive over as soon as he could. It was a bit exhausting, trying to catch everyone up with all that he had learned. He felt like sleeping, he needed sleep. No one had seen this coming, not even Berwald, who was the man's damn brother.

Lukas looked up, and at the number posted beside the door. Room 445, Critical ward. He couldn't picture Mathias in critical condition, not without blood and cuts and things that were treatable. Things he could recover from. But he had learned that what Mathias was suffering, was not treatable, he wasn't going to jump up from this with a grin on his face.

Mathias was going to die.

When he had been told that they were wheeling him into surgery, Lukas had merely stepped out to go to the bathroom. He had been by his side for hours, and the one instance he was gone, Mathias decided to wake. A part of Lukas thought it proof that truly, Mathias didn't want him around. But he knew the truth. Even Mathias's body refused to allow Lukas to see him as anything but the happy, eccentric man Lukas how grown to love. Even his body didn't want Lukas to see him dying.

Lukas was told he was awake, that he was eating. That he looked healthier than he had in months, but that was simply a sign, wasn't it? The end was drawing near, and Mathias was going to make the most of it. Lukas took in a deep breath, before stepping in, fumbling with the phone in his hand as he pressed back the curtain.

Mathias looked back at him with bright eyes, eyes Lukas realized he hadn't seen in a long time. They were confused at first, before relief and love washed over his whole face.

"Lukas!" Mathias cried, holding out his arms, forgetting the crossword that had been brought to him for entertainment. Lukas hesitated a moment, unsure if this was real, or maybe it was the drugs talking, but he couldn't deny the loving embrace he had almost lost without knowing one more time, and he fell into heavy arms that wrapped around his small body. Mathias was still so much stronger than him, it seemed. It was amazing that a dying man could somehow still be in better shape than him.

"They told me you were here, but I didn't believe them." Mathias cried, and this was the Mathias Lukas had missed. Was he crying too? It was obvious when he pulled up, tears stained his hospital gown. Mathias grabbed his cheeks, concern filling his eyes.

"Why are you crying? I'm going to get better in no time!" He explained, and Lukas felt like believing him, just for a moment, but he knew better, now.

"They told me, Mathias…" Lukas whispered. The Dane tilted his head, unsure what he was talking about, before reality sunk in, and the light seemed to die in his blue eyes. Mathias was crushed.

"I didn't want you to know…" He confessed. Mathias's hands fell from Lukas's cheeks. The Norwegian sat on the bed, taking the fallen hands in his own and resting them on his lap, running his thumbs over the hard skin.

"Why, you idiot…" Lukas asked, sadness drenched over him. "Why would you keep this from me? From your family? Was this why you broke up with me?" Lukas had thought that since finding out. It was noble, but so so stupid. Lukas squeezed the other's hands.

"You almost died, and I never would have known, why?" Lukas pleaded. Mathias was looking down, unable to meet the hurt gaze. Mathias would have rathered died than letting Lukas or Emil or Jan or Berwald to know the truth.

"I...didn't want to hurt any of you…" He confessed.

"I love you all so much. I thought, if I got away from you all, I could just….I could just slip away and none of you would care." Saying it outloud, and watching Lukas's grow upset, Mathias realized then that it had been a stupid hope.

"Of course we would care, you dumbass." Lukas said, leaning closer. "Do you think we stop loving you just because you pushed us away?" He asked, and Mathias looked down at his lap, shame creeping in on him. Of course he had thought that, he thought it had been the only way.

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter now…" Mathias said, looking out the window. "The doctor's said the surgery only aggravated the disease. I probably only have a week." Mathias said dryly, as if it was minor inconvenience rather than the end of his life. Lukas had been told this as well, but he didn't take it as easily.

"Berwald is coming to see you, I even contacted Jan." Lukas explained, leaning forward, gently grasping the other's cheek.

"You didn't have to do this alone. We would have rather been with you through this." Lukas said, and a lump formed in his throat. For months he had been angry and hurt, even though Mathias was still in his life. Now, he would have traded in all those days of spiteful avoidance and self loathing to be with Mathias, to have been supporting him.

Mathias looked up into the other's eyes, before pulling Lukas on top of him. Lukas didn't resist, and gently laid on the other.

"Hey Lukas…." Mathias asked after a few moments of silence. Lukas had been deep in thought, listening to the other's heart beat. He missed it, he realized. He missed being curled up against the other, either deep in thought or Mathias making stupid jokes or simply just enjoy the other's presence. He was going to miss this. He would miss the warmth of Mathias, his voice, the way he would say his name, full of love.

"Yeah?" He responded quietly, not wanting to break the settled film of comfortability.

"If it isn't too late to ask, I hope you'll do me the honors of being my boyfriend again." Mathias asked with a smile. Lukas could feel the desire to cry overwhelm him once more, and the lump in his throat made it hard to breath. Therefore, he nodded, softly, his answer being felt on Mathias's chest. The Dane smiled, and rested his arm on Lukas, rubbing his back lightly.

"I'm happy, knowing that you'll be mine the rest of my life then."


End file.
